The Questions We Don’t Want to Ask Ourselves

often have the most important answers.

They confront our reality. They make us uncomfortable. They challenge us. They push us. They force us to be more awake to the life we’re living, to the decisions we’re making. They help us break the routine — the inertia — of our daily lives and allow us to course-correct, so that we don’t look back a decade later and ask ourselves, “Damn. What took so long.”

I’ve been reading The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron. It’s a book about rediscovering your creativity, a twelve-week course for anyone who is curious about bringing out his or her inner creative, and it’s filled with exercises, questions, prompts, and more. In every week’s instructions, Cameron has this obsession with doing the things that you love, but more importantly, doing the things that you resist. It’s in those exercises that you don’t want to do, or the questions that you don’t want to answer, that the real lessons come.

I’ve also been writing Morning Pages, which is a daily exercise from the book. It’s three pages of freehand stream of consciousness writing, every morning. It can be about your day, your thoughts, your feelings, your dreams, or just the same word over and over. Anything. And it’s been interesting, I’ve mostly dissected feelings and ideas in my Morning Pages so far, like a diary, a form of self therapy.

But when there’s nothing that comes to the pen, that’s actually when it gets interesting. Because you’re still forced to write about something. And while, “fuck this I don’t wanna write anymore” takes up an entire line if you write big enough… eventually you start writing about random parts of your life you don’t usually dive into. For me, it’s often related to my career, friends, a relationship with a client, or a woman I’ve been seeing.

Earlier this week, after one of those “fuck this I don’t wanna write” situations, I started writing about a relationship and a fleeting thought passed by. It was like I was walking down the street on a really windy day, and half a block down I heard someone yelling, “BUT WHAT ABOUT…”

Something I’d usually ignore it, and continue writing. But that day, I heard Julia’s voice in my head. “Do the things that you resist.”

Damn. She got me.

So I turned around, and ran down the block to listen. What was that voice in my head trying to say?

After a few questions and prying, I found the voice was asking if I really felt like the relationship was right, or if I was just letting it continue because it was easy and comfortable. I wrote out my response, and let both sides make their point, and suddenly felt so much lighter.

The next day in my Morning Pages, I thought I’d play a game. I found it interesting that I had the question I needed to ask myself. I just had to listen for it. So I asked myself, “When questions am I scared to ask myself?” And I just let it flow.

I thought about love and relationships, and if I actually felt like I was ready to meet my life partner. I asked myself if there was anything I want to do in my life before I meet that life partner. In friendships I asked myself, am I really surrounding myself with the people I want to be like? In career I asked myself, am I willing to give up what I have, to do something I love? And, am I really contributing to my client’s success the way I should be? The list went on…

It was powerful. I had to write the list without judgement. Again, it was more a stream of consciousness. The moment a question came to my head, I would write it down. Even if the answer felt like an obvious yes. Or like it should be a yes. Of course I want to believe that I’m ready to meet my life partner. But after dissecting that one, I realized there were these limiting beliefs that were holding me back.

And in some questions, the answers guided me straight toward important decisions. Was there anything I want to do in life before I meet my life partner? A clear yes came to my head. Live in another city. So if that is important to me, then dammit I gotta do it NOW. Because that’s really the only thing that’s holding me back.

You don’t need to change. Many of the questions will just give you more information. They help you see yourself more clearly. They show you why you’re doing what you’re doing, or they tell you what you want to be doing that you haven’t been doing.

Yes, these questions challenge us, confront us, and push us. But they will also bring us joy, and happiness, and fulfillment. Because instead of living the same life and repeating the same motions, these questions will force you to ask yourself why, and maybe even do something a little differently than you did before.

And that might just change your life.